Reconnected

Mario, found me! I say this with narcissism because I needed it. It is hard to validate a genuine connection with someone. There are few objective validators to prove human connection or genuineness. So evidence that we are truly friends was an email. The email was from his CNM school account. A humble message sent to me from Mario, was proof to my heart that I wasn't just another philanthropic bumble bee that he sees over and over coming through the halls of the juvenile detention center. Being sought was music to my soul. I, for a good long moment, was able to dismiss the fact that he is back in. I have seen him twice since then and the love in his heart is growing and maturing. He would laugh at me if he heard me call it "love in his heart" because I think he might say, "fuck love". Or better yet he might say something profound like love and hate are too close to the same pain. It is hard seeing him behind bars, but to see him smile and hold him again, was a gift. He is drawing again, and he allowed me to share it with you so its coming soon. It is amazing what I am allowed to see, hear, and witness, despite Mario's derelict.

No need to change.

He got picked up on another commitment. To catch you up here is the sequence of events from my last post.

Mario, was charged as an accomplice to a crime a week or so after he was released. He seemed genuine that he was not guilty. He served a few months in the "D" home, which is not juvenile jail. He was released right before my trip to Guatemala. His grandfather amazingly also survived his heart troubles, gaining just enough strength to endure open heart surgery. He is doing well.

So before Mario was released, and having only one opportunity to visit with him, I noticed even more change. I don't know how to describe it, it didn't make me feel sad, excited, but calm. He described the events that put him back into custody and it was clear that there was blame. To the simple mind it is easy to say it was his fault. Equally it can be clearly seen that he was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people; allowing the judgmental person the opportunity to paint whatever picture they need to. More complexly, it is in his heart to change, but that burning in his heart is not enough to heat his mind.

The calm I felt that day, I think came from his acceptance of himself. Possibly finding peace in the fact that society moves on without him. He seemed to accept that he will be to the world, his rap sheet. I get the sense that he understands the superficiality of our society and how very few people will take the time to understand his story, marginalizing it. Preferring to believe a summary from a lawyer or case worker. The world doesn't wait for any of us. We trip and fall, but that stranger walks by. I have been both the fallen and the stranger.

On my trip to Guatemala, I thought about my visit with him. As I picked up my baggage in the good ole Albuquerque Sun Port, I cycled through where I left off in "Burque", remembering Mario. That calmness switched gears into a hope and then raced to a worry.

He picked up new charges four days after his release. The judge gave him a chance, and it appears as if he lost it. Oh me of little faith. Let's see where his decisions take us this time. He called me wondering if I will come visit. :) I guess I understand that calmness, it is the feeling you get when your around friends.

What I see

Mario is back in. I got a call from Mario's grandma on a Wednesday evening, at the same time his grandfather has been admitted into the ICU for a dying heart. She herself, a recovering cancer patient, is tired. Asking those age old questions of the fighter, "why won't things change?" I am not sure if sharing this with you is fair to her, but if I don't her fatigue and desperation cannot be truly felt. At the verge of tears, she says,"tell him [Mario] we cannot take it anymore, we don't want to deal with him anymore". I question myself, wondering if she really means this. Can even a grandmother reach a threshold for unconditional love? Near the day set aside for lovers, Valentine's Day doesn't mean much for a family facing suffering unrecognizable to the distracted society buzzing around them. How does the community not care?

At this point, I am realizing that my purpose in his life is not to make it better, but to simply participate. I know Mario isn't a criminal. He has spent his entire adolescence being told he is. What started with a kid trying to earn respect has transition into a family who has done their best to cope with a quickly changing community that is mercilessly testing their survival. My desire is for Mario to lead a productive life, that desire is flourishing, despite his change in scenery. Some say we all have an equal chance at prosperity, I would love for them to spend one year teaching Mario and I how that theory works. "They" also suggest if he would have worked a little bit harder things would be better. Or better yet, maybe he would be better off if he would have made better decisions. All these presumed theories on wellness, lack compassion. A part of me feels like I let him down and somehow we failed. But I know we haven't. I foolishly measure him by standards designed for those needing measurement. My God was also jailed, and perhaps Mario is lucky to share in the uncomfortable gift of persecution. I find comfort in believing that, despite his circumstances, we've become friends. Friendship, the free cross-cultural concept that cannot be marketed, monopolized, sold, stolen, or patented.

Getting ready to leap

Mario will be released, because he has fulfilled his obligation. Most importantly he will be released without conditions. He talks about being completely free, and being able to make his own decisions, not having to report to anyone, except for letting his grandma and grandpa know he is safe. I am proud of the fears he has and the fears he is willing to face. He doesn't take much shit from anyone, which can be seen at times as reckless, but best described as fearless. He knows pain, and the pain that comes with confronting fear is something he has become accustomed to. He talks about going back to school, and honestly says its because of all the beautiful girls, I can't blame it was the main motivation that put me through the majority of my education. He reads like crazy and I admire his genuine seeking. Most importantly is that he will be facing the greatest challenge of his life, and that is living freely.
Mario and I have spent a little over a year together. In that time I have been able to see that he is nothing more or less than human. What does this mean? Well he amazes me, frustrates me, and teaches me. He was a boy when I met him, and in the time shared he is wanting to be a man. He misses his mother, has befriended his father, and fears failure. He is on his path to manhood.
As he re-enters the streets I have to be real with myself that the barrio lifestyle is nearly impossible to avoid. I no longer pray with words, as words and thoughts have proven to me to be somewhat useless in this viscous battle to survive. I prefer to pray with action, as often and as much as I can. I will also miss knowing that Mario is safe behind bars. I know that when he is out I will worry that his beauty will be seen as a threat and possibly smudged. It is a part of our Chicano culture that is well known, it's the part where we hate others who are gentle and kind. I will let you know how Mario is doing.

Mario, Sent back to the minors

Mario violated probation. He was not following the rules of the rehabilitation center and was sent back to juvenile center. What he was sent back for could be considered unfair. All we take from it is that he was doing better. Mario is working on his tolerance. He is working on his social skills and it is odd how we as a society move the mark and actually add obstacles for youth like Mario.
Mario has been incarcerated for the majority of his adolescent life. So everything he has learned has either been from his home environment or jail. The system does their best to teach him to interact better, but they never put him in an environment where he can successfully practice his techniques. I relate it to fielding grounders. I always thought that if I could field all the ground balls on a rocky field that when I got to the nice fields it would be cake. No, it wasn't cake. It was safer, but it was just as difficult and more was at stake. It is frustrating to see him make small, but monumental, accomplishments and then watch those around him measure him to a standard so much higher than what he is realistically capable of. He trust no one.
The system wants him to follow rules that he has he is not geared to follow. The system is teaching him to punish, and yet when he punishes its wrong. Of course, his ideas of the rules are far different from the system's idea of rules. Nevertheless, he is still working out of their constructs. Somewhere along the path of history, it became fully acceptable to value punishment as a way to discipline. As I see it, discipline comes from a community who teaches by example, establishing a tradition that incorporates its values. These juvenile offenders are being taught one thing....to PUNISH!

Update on Mario

Mario was released recently into a treatment center for 3 months where he will be integrated into the community. He stopped writing for awhile. He was drawing more and I hope to share some of that soon. Unfortunately much of his drawing and writing is considered inappropriate by the staff, so much of his work is confiscated and probably thrown away.
He has shown a significant change in personality. We have grown and are creating a good connection. He is slowly able to communicate openly and on his terms. Often he shares without needing to be asked, which makes me think he is trusting. He is also learning to communicate his less desirable feelings in more understandable ways, and he doesn't use so much profanity. Believe me the profanity and sharp cutting words are still flowing. He is recognizing that his life is his and that not all the world is against him.

Lets see how Mario can handle the outs. 3rd time is a charm.

Death

look into my eyes homie I've done seen death up close.
I watched his body release his soul,
bullets rip holes right through his clothes.
So dear God when it comes time to judge my soul,
please forgive me for that times that I lost control.
I'm posted, surrounded by tha sins of my past, run n games
make me smile but that shit don't last.
Its obvious when death calls where ain't no turnin back.
SKS's used by hoodlums all in black, they wanna merk me catch me without a strap.
Brace my self for rebirth and the power of the blast.
It's obvious I take my sins with me to the grave.
I know the pain caused and that theres a price to be paid.

-Mario


Mario is getting close to being integrated back into society. He will spend several months in a group home focused on teaching life skills. He has become a calm person and I am not sure what his life will be like on the outs. I see how these young men get comfortable incarcerated and begin to show signs of hope for a purposeful life but nothing can be truly validated until the youth can show that he can make it as a everyday citizen. I find myself dismissing the luxury of knowing how to read and having parents and family that knew how important that was. I take advantage of the fact that there are several people that provide good leadership and model good behavior. I take advantage of the fact that I am free from being hunted. I can even enjoy a vacation hear and there.